Lessons I have learned from my 2-year-old

1. It is much more satisfying to be naked than to wear clothes.

2. Squirting things with a hosepipe is what we should all be doing with our lives. All day. Nothing else will bring satisfaction or deep spiritual fulfilment.

3. The best way to cuddle a cat is to get naked, sit in a quiet corner and grip tightly. Cat's permission not necessary.

4. If you see anybody doing yoga, jump on them immediately.

5. Farts are very, very funny. Especially your own.

6. If anyone tries to make you go to bed, ask for a snack or a drink. Parental anxiety that you may actually be hungry or thirsty usually buys you another 20 minutes downstairs playing with your train set.

7. If you see your sister sitting quietly doing crafts or some other peaceful activity, jump on her immediately.

8. Never, ever, under any circumstances, let anyone borrow your football.

9. If you see a puddle, jump in it. Appropriate footwear not necessary.

10. If you listen very, very carefully, Snails will tell you the secrets of the Universe.