I am not I

I was feeling very low yesterday and when I sat quietly, it became clear that I needed to get some poetry books down from the shelf and have a flick. I'm glad I followed that feeling because I love it when I manage to make time to read and be inspired by the words of brave, honest artists.

And I flicked to this poem by Juan Ramón Jiménez. I studied all sorts of hispanic literature as part of my degree and was always a big fan of his but, now that I find myself asking bigger questions of life and reality, this has struck me in a new way.

I am not I

I am not I.

I am this one

Walking beside me whom I do not see,

Whom at times I manage to visit,

And whom at other times I forget;

The one who remains silent when I talk,

The one who forgives, sweet, when I hate,

The one who takes a walk where I am not,

The one who will remain standing when I die.

And, because it is so beautiful - and for my Guatemalan and Spanish friends, here is the original:

Yo no soy yo

Soy este

que va a mi lado sin yo verlo;

que, a veces, voy a ver,

y que, a veces, olvido.

El que calla, sereno, cuando hablo,

el que perdona, dulce, cuando odio,

el que pasea por donde no estoy,

el que quedará en pie cuando yo muera.

I love the simplicity of it. And how, when I read it, I feel so peaceful.

Because we do forget, and we do judge and we do get confused between our real "I" and the one we have made up. We're supposed to be in the messiness of life. 

But the ever-present observer in us never goes away or judges or changes. It never stops loving everything. It is the Big Love that holds everything. And knowing that is what counts.

And it just occurred to me that this is what my babies have shown me so clearly, especially in those very early days of trust and sweetness and non-separation from the Love. Here is one of those moments with Christopher...